Darbella’s Articles — Bodywork and “Letting Go”

A friend was at Phase 1 dur­ing the month of Sep­tem­ber. I was away for the month before that. It seems like a long time since we con­nect­ed. Wayne was out at Haven and had a con­nec­tion with her. They always do con­nect at a dif­fer­ent lev­el then I do. I hold myself back — fear of rejec­tion and all. I got myself into quite a place of feel­ing left out and alone. I described it to her as feel­ing like an attach­ment — a tag a long.

I felt very stuck. I can see now that I was refus­ing to budge from there. I got quite into blame and expec­ta­tions of oth­ers to make things right for me — if they would only behave the right way and see what I need.

Kind of sur­prised myself how much I got into blame and point­ing the fin­ger. Did­n’t think I did that. Not much chance of get­ting what I want when I take that tactic.

My friend is hav­ing quite the re-entry process from the Phase 1 expe­ri­ence. Wayne’s re-entry was quite trau­mat­ic but in a very dif­fer­ent way. Lots of things hap­pened for him — the shit hit the fan so to speak .My friend seems real­ly stuck. Wayne nev­er appeared stuck but it sure changed his life. Changed mine too.

We spent an evening vis­it­ing my friend last week. It raised quite a few issues for me but I worked through those with Wayne. It also raised issues for Wayne and he went through quite the process as well. We have a hot tub and it is great for intense life con­ver­sa­tions. Late­ly some of our con­ver­sa­tions are last­ing longer than we can in the hot tub. It is dur­ing these times, as we strug­gle through some dif­fi­cult stuff togeth­er, that our rela­tion­ship moves to a deep­er level.

Yes­ter­day at the work­shop I did body­work with a cou­ple of peo­ple. I was work­ing with peo­ple who were new to this. I decid­ed that I would not just go with what­ev­er they were able to fig­ure out. I stopped them a cou­ple of times and let peo­ple know what it was that I need­ed. I’ve done enough body­work to know where my trig­gers are. I kept my “jaw points” a secret, though. I had more of a voice in this work­shop than in any of Wayne’s pre­vi­ous work­shops. I was pleased about that.

The effects of the Come Alive learn­ings were still there. It was also a neat ener­gy expe­ri­ence. On the first day of the work­shop, I accessed some anger but felt like I was just touch­ing the sur­face and back­ing away. Kept giv­ing myself grief over this. I also had it in my head that I need­ed to cry but the tears would not come. I came away from the expe­ri­ence total­ly dis­count­ing what I had accom­plished and the anger that I had expressed because I judged that the anger was not strong enough and I did­n’t cry. Quite an old pat­tern for me. Keep focus­ing on the things you can’t do so you can con­tin­ue to feel bad about your­self and in this case stuck. My fil­ters block out total­ly the things that would allow me to feel good about myself. I was­n’t done feel­ing bad.

One woman had a Haven-like expe­ri­ence. She went right into her emo­tion and lost con­trol. This was a new expe­ri­ence for her. The oth­ers in the group were quite new to the whole con­cept. See­ing the trans­for­ma­tion in her when she returned for the sec­ond day remind­ed me of oth­er peo­ple’s expe­ri­ences at Haven and my expe­ri­ence at Haven. At that moment I remem­bered my learn­ing from the Come Alive. It is all about my choice and how I see myself. I made an imme­di­ate switch.

It felt like I flipped a switch. I feel great now. The Body­work the sec­ond day was quite sim­i­lar to the first day. Got a lit­tle clos­er to the emo­tion but still did­n’t cry but that was okay because I was able to get out of my way and have my expe­ri­ence. I also noticed how free I felt to speak out and that helped too.

It is amaz­ing what you notice when you lift the filters.

Dur­ing the last body­work ses­sion, I had an amaz­ing ener­gy expe­ri­ence. I decid­ed that I was not going any fur­ther with the anger and I did­n’t real­ly want to be pushed on any­more. I direct­ed the per­son to hold me in the heart area with one hand over my heart and one hand behind my back. I felt incred­i­ble warmth and the ener­gy flowed quite freely. After awhile I direct­ed the per­son to put his hands on my bel­ly just below the navel and one hand on my low­er back. (Sec­ond Chakra point.) The heat I felt was very intense. After awhile, I felt his hand vibrat­ing. At first I thought it was his attempt to stim­u­late my ener­gy flow and it was work­ing. The fire in my bel­ly swelled and moved up my spine in a dra­mat­ic way. As the expe­ri­ence con­tin­ued I real­ized that it was me vibrat­ing — he was vibrat­ing in response to me. It was wild.

At the end I asked him if it was me or him — he did not know but I did — it was me. Kind of nice to feel in a posi­tion of direct­ing an expe­ri­ence to achieve what I wanted.

Anoth­er inter­est­ing aspect of this work­shop was a friend of mine from school was there. I had intend­ed on hav­ing her over to vis­it while Wayne was away but her grand­moth­er died and she spent the week in Nova Sco­tia. She told me she was think­ing of com­ing to the work­shop so Wayne came to school and put the pitch on. She decid­ed to come.

I’ve nev­er real­ly got­ten into these expe­ri­ences much at school. My ten­den­cy was to keep things sep­a­rate. I was both look­ing for­ward to and anx­ious about her being there and my two worlds (my choice!) meet­ing at the same time. That part of the work­shop went well and Car­ol and I con­nect­ed in a dif­fer­ent way. It will be inter­est­ing to bump into some­one at school who knows more about me. In gen­er­al I tend to be some­what of a mys­tery or invis­i­ble. Can still do that with some peo­ple but in gen­er­al I judge that they are not worth my effort.


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